I am feeling "oh so reflective"

Many of you know my mom died. I am aware of this every day in many ways. So many times, in the last well, almost 20 years I have been reminded of how fortunate my friends and acquaintances are when they talk about their mothers. There ALIVE mothers. Living, breathing, tangible moms, there for them. Usually I really take notice it when they are in the midst of a quarrel or disagreement or when mom is being too "in their business" I have to side with the mom usually, most always. When I do this I am doing it because I have an instant pang of loss, a split feeling of what "their" issue is and an instant feeling of how empty I feel at missing an opportunity like this in my own life. I wish so many times that I could just hear my mom get in my business, what I wouldn't give to hear her opinion about something in my life.
So many times I agree with what other moms say because, in fact I am 40, a mom and at that age where I know a thing or two. Precisely at an age where I could totally respect my mother, in person, to her face and just hug her and say thank you for not killing me as a teenager. She had a lot of good advice. Back then (Wayyy back then in the 80's) I think of an instance where a boy who had set a date with me was over an hour late. my mom told me that I should cancel my date, not bother with him. He blew his chance, right? Well, in my teenage desperation for whatever (the guy was cute or something stupid like that) I managed to go out with him that night anyway. It was a lame date anyways.
My mom was right. Nothing ever amounted with that guy. He ended up being an inconsiderate nobody. But I went out with him that night against my moms better judgement anyways- stupid. I didn't listen to my mom and this guy thought I was stupid enough to still go out with him after being so late! Even though thats just a little snippet of advice, not really weighty or anything. Its the little things like that I really miss. I wish my mom knew I would never stand for that now! I hope I can convince my own daughter if that ever happens to her.
I miss her laugh. I miss her smell. She smelled like Arpage (sp) perfume. The perfume itself isn't to my liking. When I see it at Sephora or somewhere, if I have enough courage, I will take and hold it up to my nose. It doesn't smell like her. I guess it was just the way it smelled on her. I remember after she died, I was so numb. I can barely remember events in the order they happened. I remember going into her closet and pulling everything hanging together and just burying my face into the mass and taking in a deep breath, trying to capture her scent, somehow I knew it would diminish every day from then on..I was so scared of that.. just disappearing. As if her death didn't punctuate that enough. I still have small things of hers that I have a hard time even thinking of parting with.
I wish when she was alive and that I had asked her more questions. I wish I had remembered everything she said instead of listening like a stupid teenager. Like I knew it all and didn't care, I was so cool. I look back and I was so stupid.

Today, a girl, a daughter of a friend, was asking about living with a boy. She may have been in her mid-late 20's but was still in conflict with her mother about moving in with a guy she is dating. I know my mom would have been against it, not because she didn't wish me the best of what I wanted, but because of the whole"issue" of "living" with a guy. I had to pause. This was yet another moment of when I would love my moms opinion on something. If I had been in this girls shoes I would listen to my mom, I would! I swear.
I wish I knew more about Gloria Jane Lenmark. I know she went to Southwest High School, she dated a guy named Jerry Schardin but broke it off when it became known that he got another girl pregnant. Now, AM I the only one who didn't think that happened back then? Well, somehow after that she ended up with my dad. See, now, being the inquisitive person that I am now I wish I could delve into her past more and find out about her. I wish she was still here to ask. I wish she was still here to get into my business. I wish I knew her when she was growing up...
There are so many thing I do know, but I feel like I missed out so many years of such useful information that I desperately need now, today as I am getting older and realize how much she DID know! How foolish I was to not listen to her better, to be a better daughter. To not be such a cocky teenager.
To all of you who have a mother out there, take it from me. THEY know you better that YOU know you. Listen to them and follow their advice. Consider yourself lucky if your mom is there to drive you nuts.
OK, there, I feel better now.... reflection over...
Thanks for listening :]